BDSM encompasses a lot of different kinks and fetishes. If you are drawn to exhibitionism, pain or rough play, that’s fine, as long as it is consensual and safe in real life.
Always use a safe word and be sure to talk about your needs, boundaries, and restrictions before any scene. Also, remember that all play — kinky or not — must be consensual and pre-negotiated.
1. Know Your Fetishes
It’s important to identify what fetishes turn you on sexually. This will help you determine your sexual boundaries and explore BDSM practices. Some fetishes may be more obvious than others, but it’s still important to be open with your partner about them.
For example, if you’re interested in pegging (a form of anal play involving a woman penetrating a man with a strap-on dildo), make sure your partner is okay with it. It’s also a good idea to discuss any potential risks and safety measures before trying any extreme fetish.
Fetishes aren’t necessarily dangerous or deviant and can be a source of pleasure for many people. However, some individuals with fetishes are often stigmatized and isolated because of their sexual preference. It’s important to remember that having a fetish doesn’t necessarily make you an “out there” person, and that being kinky is a normal part of life. Fetishes can also be a great way to get close with your partner and build intimacy. A lot of fetishes involve bondage and are perfect for couples!
2. Talk Dirty
Talking dirty doesn’t have to be vulgar or over the top. It’s actually best to start soft and slow by whispering naughty things in your partner’s ear or listening to erotic stories together. This is a great way to build up your confidence and slowly introduce more and more.
One of the most basic ways to start talking dirty is by complimenting your partner’s sexy body or their kinky play. Just make sure that your compliments are honest and believable and that you know what turns your partner on. For example, if they love being teased with their ass, compliment them on it!
Another way to build up your confidence in this area is by imagining a scenario that would turn you on with your partner and then practicing what you’d say. This can be a fun way to spend time with your partner and even get them excited about your plans for sex! It can also be a good way to test out your “safe words” (as described by Queen above) to see how you’d respond if you needed to slow down or stop the scene.
3. Be Consensual
Whether it’s an orgasm torture game or a threesome, any sexual fantasy that involves multiple people can lead to some major sensory overload. The more bits, smells, tastes and holes you have, the harder it is to stay focused on consent, so make sure you and your partner talk about it beforehand.
It’s important to be aware of the difference between rape fantasies and consensual non-consent (CNC), which are commonly seen within the BDSM community. CNC fantasies revolve around a desire to be dominated and submit to another person, which is not the same thing as rape or being abused.
It’s also helpful to have a safe word with your partner, so you can clearly communicate when you need to stop playing and actually take a break. Lastly, remember that BDSM scenes must be pre-negotiated and fully agreed upon from beginning to end. This includes the use of any drugs you may be considering or that are brought into play. It’s also a good idea to discuss if and how you want to incorporate humiliation into your scene.
4. Don’t Be Surprised
BDSM encompasses a wide range of kinky play, including but not limited to Daddy/stepdaughter, teacher/student, Dominant/submissive, and even mock rape. It can be tempting to jump right in, but it’s important that you talk to your partner and negotiate ahead of time. If they use sarcasm or suggest you move faster than you’re comfortable with, walk away.
You may also want to try a little “sir/madam” language to establish roles in your dom/sub scene. Miette says that this is a great way to get started and build chemistry. It’s low-cost and doesn’t require additional gear.
For more advanced kink, consider running an ice cube down the back of your restrained and blindfolded partner. Just be sure you discuss this with your partner beforehand and have a safe word in place to use if things go awry! This is a great way to build arousal without risking public indecency charges or harming your partner. For more kinky fun, try roleplaying sexy scenes or engaging in dirty talk.
5. Be Prepared
Many people have fantasies about things like sex with a stranger, being tied up or having intense bondage. These fantasy themes might seem kinky to some, but having them doesn’t make you a bad person. Sexual fantasies are “ways to express unconscious needs or desires that we can’t control,” board-certified sex therapist Kristie Overstreet tells Self.
She suggests talking openly about these topics with your partner before getting to it. This allows you to communicate and set boundaries if you’re going to play in the BDSM world. She says if your partner isn’t open to discussion or doesn’t agree with what you want to do, it’s not a good fit.
Other signs of a not-so-great fit, according to Psychology Today, are a partner who refuses to use a safe word, rushes consent and restriction discussions, humiliates or shames you outside of the play space or doesn’t respect your choice of limits. These are all reasons to end the scene, if you’re feeling uncomfortable. Then you can re-evaluate the relationship and decide whether or not to try out your next kinky fantasy.
